It's Heavy not Easy

I still remember, back in the good old days of High School, I had a fight with my bestfriend. It was bad and sad. I was having a hard time. We were fighting because of, I think ideology. Well, as my bestfiend I expected her to always be on my side. One day, I was mocked by my classmate, I wanted her to stand for me but she didn't. Instead she made it worse. I was so angry at her.

The problem solved few days later. We couldn't stand hating each other and finally broke the ice. We said sorry and hugged each other, we were crying and everyone else watching. The boys said "oh girls, why were you even fighting in the first place huh?" We laughed, case closed :)

In the middle of third grade, I was having a what-so-I-thought-a-deadly-ploblem with a girl in my class. Well, at that time, the problem seemed too hard to be handled, but if I thought about it now, it was, silly. We were fighting over a boy *I know right? I got the boy and she got the woe.

It was quite serious. The whole classmate knew about it and there was time when our fight got really worse. Like, in times when the teacher put us in the same group, it was so tense. I didn't like it, made everyone uncomfortable. My friend then thought of something. So, near the final examination, all the girls were sitting together in the class, like in a meeting. No boys are involved, we kicked them out from the class. In the meeting, we came to the fact that anyone actually had problem with others, it wasn't only about me and that girl. There was tears and confession, but after all, everything was clear. No one had any grudge anymore. I believe that was great, I meant, it was great that we can be honest, apologized, and forgiving before we went separated after the graduation.

Now, in college, another problem occurred. Yes, I knew that problem would always follow you, no matter where you are. This time, it was just hard. Maybe because I wrote this when I am facing it. Maybe I would consider it silly someday. What I knew was that, this problem couldn't be solved by sorry or hugs or gathering people together. This is way more complicated. These people are what's-so-called-haters this day. they just hate you no matter what you did. I haven't got any idea how to solve it. I don't know what to do.

Well, as it's said, Life goes on and gets so heavy not easy. So I guess this is what it takes of being alive. If it hurts, it means that we are human, not zombie. I believe, this problem will mature me and shape me into a better girl, probably a woman ;)

I Can't Figure It Out

Kenali musuhmu, katanya.

Adakah alat pendeteksi musuh ini?

Mereka yang tersenyum didepan, menertawakan dibelakang

Mereka yang peduli dan sayang dalam kata, namun membenci dalam hati

Yang berbagi di waktu dekat dan memaki di waktu jauh

Aku melihat maaf dan menyesal ada disana

Menunggu.

Yah, aku memang tidak pantas mendapatkan keduanya

Aku hanyalah seonggok otak dan inangnya

Yang keberadaannya sesaat

Cerita yang akan berlalu.

The Black Sheep

I was eating with some friends, in a well-known fast food restaurant in the city. Everything was fine, we had small talk about the weather, college and homework. Our purpose was not merely to have a fine lunch there, but to get free WiFi connection *WiFi hunter detected* We wanted to download movies.

It was raining, cats and dogs. The WiFI connection was so bad, we couldn't even log on. So then, we exchanged some movies, and waited until the rain stop so we could go home. We kept trying with the connection but it was hopeless.

My friend then asked me something. From the way she said it and her expression, I knew that it was a serious matter. And I was right, a very serious matter indeed. and I. WAS. SHOCKED!! so shocked. but, before I continue, let's go somewhere else, in a different time, where everything began.

We - my classmate and I - were just back from our holiday. Another term another trouble, rite? It was in the very beginning our 5th semester, in Interpreting class when my lecturer said something that brought us all to shock. She said that she knew some of us bad mouthed her on Twitter and Facebook group. Those who involved were panic. But not me, because I didn't say a word about anyone on Twitter or Facebook. So I was clear from this.

She said, "I've been on the internet longer before you even familiar with computer" What I got was that she didn't need anyone to tell her about anything. She figured it out by herself. And I didn't even think about one of us reported it to her. I meant how could he/she? betrayed her/his friend like that? But you know what? I was so naive.

Back to the date when I was talking with my friend. She said, " There was a rumor, saying that you are the one that reported us to the lecturer. Is that true?" I was so shocked. I told her that I wanted to laugh. And I laughed. I told her that it wasn't me, at all. She said, the evidence was that I was once called into her room. And I said, yes. But then I said, that doesn't make sense at all. it's not like she's the only one owned that room. that's a shared room, there was four lecturers' cubicle there. And I went there because I was called by the other lecturer. That evidence was a total fail. And how could everyone believed it? My friends told me that they didn't believe it, and I was so thankful.

You know why I laughed before? because of my stupidity. I laughed at myself. because all that time, I kept thinking, what's wrong with me? what wrong did I do? All I know was that, not longer after our lecturer saying that, everyone hated me, they just hated me. I didn't know why. I knew some of them had been talking bad about me on Twitter, but I didn't know why. So I stayed quite. Didn't want to cause more trouble than what I somehow had already done unconsciously. But still, I kept thinking, trying to find the reason but I just couldn't find it. I was so sad. I felt so excluded

And I think this is unfair. This is so unfair. because I've tried so hard to please them, my friends. I tried so hard just to be accepted. And now, all those hard works are no longer considered, not matters at all because of a mistake, a mistake that I didn't do. That's not fair, right? And I'm gonna do something about it. I won't stay quite anymore!!